My Teacher, Let Me See Again

“My teacher, let me see again.”  Such was the phrase that captured my attention as I read Mark 10:46-52 in preparation for my prayer group meeting tomorrow evening.

I have been preparing, praying, and contemplating these past 2 weeks for a colonoscopy that took place this morning.  I had my routine physical done in July, and after a routine stool test that came back positive, my primary care physician scheduled me for this colonoscopy.  This procedure has been one of the great advancements in medicine for picking up early colon cancer, instituting treatment and increasing survival rate.  The Bowel preparation, however, is not a fun event.  Those of you who have gone through it understand what I’m talking about.

My life journey has been challenged with cancer.  First, discovering a testicular cancer as a 24-year-old finishing my second year of medical school; then having testicular relapses in 1998 and later in 2000.  In 2012 we discovered I had MGUS (monoclonal gammopathy of undetermined significance) which can be the precursor to multiple myeloma.  And now, a positive stool test and wondering about the possibility of colon cancer.  Talk about having bad protoplasm!

Another challenge I have as a result of having had chemotherapy is that I don’t have “good” veins to put in an IV.  The chemotherapy drugs that I had with my initial diagnoses of testicular cancer caused scaring inside my veins which then makes it hard to threat the IV catheter into the vein.  I was lucky this morning that the nurse got one in on the second try.  I don’t get as anxious as I used to before thanks to prayer, meditation, and breathing exercises, but there’s no question they hurt when they put them in.

After working the weekend and previous week, I decided to schedule the colonoscopy for today Monday on my day off so I wouldn’t take any time off from work.  Last week was busy seeing a fair number of teens for their sports physicals as well as the young ones for routine care, not so much with ill children.  This week coming up, I will start soccer practices with the middle school team I’m going to coach this fall season, and I’m then driving to Chicago over the weekend to visit with my dad and brother, and their families.  This will be another busy week!

I am thankful the colonoscopy went well, at least nothing glaring to the GI specialist’s eye.  I will know next week about the biopsy results of the lone polyp that was removed.  Anne brought me home after the procedure, and while still under the effects of Fentanyl and Versed, I ended up taking a two-hour nap.  It felt good to have rested and I felt rejuvenated.  Feeling hungry, I grabbed a left-over chicken and rice meal and proceeded to schedule in my head the tasks I needed to complete this afternoon before going back to work tomorrow:  go to Kinko’s to laminate my soccer practice sheets, go to the grocery store to get my microwave lunches for the week, and then mow the lawn before preparing dinner for this evening.  There was one problem as Anne held in her hand the instruction sheet for recovery from today’s procedure: “no driving today.” How can that be possible? I thought.  I felt ok, but I understood the mandate.  At her suggestion, I took the afternoon off and opted to read and prepare for my prayer group meeting for tomorrow.

Our assignment consisted in reading the story of Jesus healing the blind man as He and the disciples were walking to Jericho (Mark 10:46-52).  A little background to the story.  Jesus is well entrenched in his ministry:  He has already undergone the transfiguration and taught his disciples about faith when trying to heal as he healed the boy possessed by an impure spirit (Mark 9).  They then travel to Judea across the Jordan and Jesus teaches about the importance of being child-like: “Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (Mark 10:15).  As they then head to Jericho, they encounter on their way a blind man named Bartimaeus who, upon hearing that Jesus is walking by, yells, “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me.”  After Jesus asks him, “what do you want me to do for you?” Bartimaeus exclaims, “teacher, let me see again.”

As I closed my eyes and began to meditate on the reading, I envisioned myself being Bartimaeus.  He made an emphatic move when the disciples told him Jesus was calling him by “throwing off his cloak” and marching towards Jesus.  What an expression of freedom!  So, I find myself this afternoon experiencing some freedom from the busyness of this world.  It felt good to “throw off” some of my responsibilities for the moment.  As I laid down in our chase and looked upwards at the sky, I could also see the trees so bright and full of energy, revealing God’s creation to me one more time, helping me slow down and contemplate God’s love for all of us.  I loved looking at the different shades of green from our new, two-year old birch tree compared to the darker green of the pine tree and the medium shade of color from the dogwood tree.  More exciting was watching the undulation of the leaves caused by the slight breeze going through our backyard, as “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” (John 3:8)

It is so interesting to me that every so often God has to slow me down so that I can be with God more intently.  I have a daily routine of prayer where I do the Laudate app on my iPad in the morning and then the Magnificat in the evening.  I have to admit, sometimes this becomes too routine.  My problem is that frequently what I do seems to be calculated and measured in time.  The positive result is that I get a lot of things done.  However, under these conditions, I lose my creativity, my imagination … in a way, I lose my heart, which does not think but simply feels God’s love.  I seem to lose the affectionate part of my heart that longs to be with God.

I remember meeting with my new spiritual director, Sr. Marcella, 2 months ago and her asking me to consider carving out some quiet time with God.  I know this concept, I have gone through this process many times, and yet, I get trapped into the “active world” over and over … forgetting to “see” God one more time.  And it’s not just doing vocal or meditative prayer, but abiding by God, being with God, letting God embrace me and feel God’s love, so I can rest peacefully.  Although my intellect knows that I need to be with God so that I can take good care of the children at work, for example, it is my heart that has to “see” God so that I can have the Holy Spirit flow through me, taking me here and there and I don’t know where I’m going but have the assurance that it’s ok because it is for God’s providence and goodness.  And in this journey of going here and there, I feel God’s love and I can express my love for God as well, not just to the Trinity but to my brothers and sisters as well as I become an instrument of God.

Thank you, Lord, for slowing me down again, for tugging at me and asking me to be with you, to abide by you, to “see you” better.  Thank you for using Anne as your instrument to let me know I needed to slow down.  Thank you for taking care of me in all my physical ailments and challenges. Thank you for loving me.