Parenting Toddlers
Being a parent to a toddler is filled with precious moments of joy and silliness. However, sometimes you may experience some “terrible two’s” hiccups. Read on for some tips to help your toddler learn and develop into a happy, healthy child.
(I originally posted this article on Bronson Hospital’s blog site on February 10, 2022).
A health article from Dr. John Spitzer, a pediatrician at Bronson Primary Care Partners.
What can be more frustrating than not being able to find your words to express your unhappiness, frustration, or anger? Welcome to the toddler years! As parents, these moments are filled with joy and silliness. Sometimes though, we may lose our patience with our little ones because we don’t know how to help them.
In fact, sometimes their aggressive behaviors can cause us emotional and physical pain. Not that they mean for that to happen, but they are simply expressing their negative energy in unintended ways. So, what goes into their response, and why is a 2-year-old more likely to have that aggressive temper outburst compared to an older child?
Factors That Go into An Aggressive Temper Outburst
There are three main factors that go into a toddler’s behavior, be it positive or negative. Keeping these factors in mind can help us navigate these difficult toddler years and their tantrums.
- The child’s age and development. Part of a toddler’s frustration in dealing with life’s challenges is not being able to express their feelings. If you think about your child’s development, you’ll notice that a lot of energy goes into gross and fine motor development for the first two years. But somewhere around 18 months to two years, their energy begins to focus on language development. Typically, an 18-month-old might have around 10-15 words in their vocabulary, rising to about 25-50 words and putting together two-word sentences by two years of age, and exploding to about 1,000 words by three years of age. A typical four-year-old will have too many words to count, talk in paragraphs and tell stories. It is no wonder that two-year-old Tommy hits Jack on the head when Jack takes his truck. It is easier for Tommy to release those hurt and distrustful feelings with a hit than trying to verbalize his feelings.
- The child’s temperament and sensitivity. What is temperament? According to the Webster Dictionary, it is “a characteristic or habitual inclination or emotional response” to activity going on around us. It is our predisposition to act and react in certain ways. Some children tend to get excited, physical, or emotional easily. Some children tend to be sensitive with their feelings or with touch. These types of toddlers are more likely to respond to an adverse event with anger and aggression.
- The child’s past experiences and social environment. Children are constantly observing and trying to learn from their environment. Sometimes, unintended adverse experiences can create an imprint in a child’s mind, then becoming a way for them to solve problems. From remarks of shame such as, “What’s the matter with you?” or “You should know better!” to overt childhood trauma, negative events can become imprints in a child’s psyche and may later come out in a negative way.
Responding to Aggressive Behavior and Tantrums
Once a toddler begins to display some aggressive behavior and tantrums, how do we help them out?
In the moment:
- Stay calm. As a parent, we always want to be in control of the situation. Trust yourself that you know what to do. This acknowledgment will give you a sense of peace and serenity that will allow you to think clearly. If necessary, take a minute or two to collect yourself. Your child needs to see you calm and in control, while they are “spinning out of control.”
- Survey the scene and situation. Try to put yourself in your toddler’s shoes. This may give you some empathy to appreciate what they might be feeling.
- Stop the aggressive behavior or tantrum. While staying calm and very matter of fact, you may say something like, “No-no, we don’t hit.” or “No, you cannot bite.” Then, you want to move into a different location to help your child gain control. Depending on the location and circumstances, you may find yourself placing your toddler in a “safe space” (see below. Sit down and hold your child in a hug (it may take a couple of minutes). Or, put your child in the stroller. During this time, you may find yourself giving some words of reassurance, like “You are going to be ok,” “I know you are upset and it’s ok to feel angry,” or maybe “Take a deep breath, let’s work together on this.”
- Move on. Once you feel your toddler has settled down, try to change the scenery or activity if necessary. If you feel that maybe they have hit a state of boredom, maybe let them run outside in the backyard. Perhaps suggest they try a different activity. This will help reset the field and rules for their interaction with others.
In the moment, we are simply trying to put out a fire. Eventually, what we would like to do is be more proactive and try to minimize these aggressive behaviors and tantrums. In any event, make sure your reaction is appropriate to the circumstances and not an overreaction. Always try to avoid yelling or further traumatizing a situation. Remember, your child is learning from you at that moment as well and will copy your response, positive or negative, as a learned behavior.
Long-term solutions to help minimize tantrums:
It is difficult for children to learn when their brain has been flooded with hormones and emotions. The best way to teach children in the long run is to address potential misbehaviors when they are calm, before they have a meltdown. Here are some suggestions to empower your toddler to solve problems:
- Teach them to self-regulate. Teaching “self-regulation” skills can start as early as the toddler years. The two big challenges toddlers face not having enough words to express themselves, and not being able to control their impulsive behavior. As adults, we can put words to their emotions so they can learn to recognize them. Try phrases like “I know you are angry,” “I know you are hurt,” or “I know you are frustrated.”
Adding new words to your child’s vocabulary that help them to identify their emotions will help them move to the next step: learning how to relax. You can practice relaxation techniques with them such as deep breathing, using the belly muscles to breathe, using their arms to stretch up and out or tensing and releasing their arms and legs.
- Play charades or visualize adverse situations. When your child is calm and in a good mood, act out being mad, frustrated, or disappointed. Ask them how they would make things better or feel better in the acted-out situation. This exercise will help them create empathy and understanding. Listen to their thoughts and ideas, it’s amazing what they can come up with!
- Help your child feel confident and secure. Keep a regular routine at home. This creates a space that is safe, secure, and predictable. Some great times to have a routine in place are mealtimes, bedtime, nap time and playtime. Children like predictability and feel confident when they know when the next activity is coming up.
- Create a safe space. Let your toddler create an area in your house that they consider “safe and cozy.” This should be an area that they can be comfortable going to when they get upset or frustrated. This can be any area in the room or perhaps a tent that you have propped up. Let them choose and create the area themselves. In this area, let them have some pillows, stuffed animals, books or objects that they can safely squeeze, such as squishy balls or larger foam balls.
- Create space for child play with books and toys. Teach them what areas in the house that have “nice things” or “things we don’t touch.” Children do better when they know the rules.
- Play soothing music during the day. Children tend to be more relaxed and may listen better when home feels peaceful. Playing classical or “spa” music at home will help children find a sense of peacefulness that they can try to tap into when having a dispute with another child.
- Reassess as your toddler grows up. Ask yourself if your child is developing enough to be able to use the right words and solve problems by themselves. Supervise your child carefully when they are involved in disputes with playmates. If a disagreement is minor, keep your distance and let the children solve it on their own. However, you must intervene when children get physical, or the issue continues even after they’re told to stop.
When to Seek Help
Despite your well-intentioned efforts to manage your toddler’s aggression and tantrums, you may still struggle sometimes. That is okay and completely normal! If you notice your child is showing signs of the following behaviors, consider setting up an appointment with your child’s pediatrician.
- Your toddler’s aggression is persistent to the point that it is interfering with a healthy and functioning home.
- Your toddler’s aggression is interfering with their social development and ability to play with others.
- Your toddler’s aggression is having an impact at daycare, childcare, or preschool.
References
AAP HealthyChildren.org, Toddler Aggressive Behavior
ZeroToThree.Org, Aggressive Behavior in Toddlers
www.parents.com, Taming Toddler Aggression
AAP HealthyChildren.Org, Childhood Trauma & 3 Ways to Help Kids Cope
I am loved
In prayer group, we recently covered Chapter 10 from Thomas Merton’s New Seeds of Contemplation, A Body of Broken Bones. I could have titled it, “I am loved in spite of my unworthiness.” In this chapter, Merton talks about God’s grace and unconditional love, compassion and being one with all. A key concept in my being able to love “my neighbor” is to have the belief that I am loved by God. As Merton states, “The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved. The faith that one is loved by God.”
It is then, in this state of perfect love and contemplation with God, that “our inalienable personalities, while remaining eternally distinct, will nevertheless combiner into One so that each one of us will find himself in all the others, and God will be life and reality of all.”
Coincidentally, the gospel reading from 2 weeks ago was from Luke 5:12-16, Jesus healing the man with leprosy.
12 While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”
13 Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” And immediately the leprosy left him.
14 Then Jesus ordered him, “Don’t tell anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.”
15 Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. 16 But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
As I contemplated and prayed on this passage, I went back to my early high school years in Colombia. My mom had gotten me a membership to the Olympic pool at our city of Cali, and I frequented the pool often to swim some laps and get away from the stresses of life. One summer, I developed sores on my feet that gradually became worse. At first, they were itchy and small, slowly turning into scabs as I scratched them. I was hoping they would disappear by themselves but instead they got bigger and slowly began to break open with pus. I continued to play soccer as they did not seem to bother me too much, but they really got my attention when I noticed my white socks were becoming stained with pus. A smell developed from my feet that was repulsive, a smell that today I would describe as “bacterial.” It got my mom’s attention when my white sneakers started showing yellow and red stains. Our family doctor prescribed both antifungal and antibacterial medicines which helped me recover.
Going back to Luke’s reading, I can only imagine how much worse did the man with leprosy feel as he approached Jesus and asked for a healing. With the heat in Palestine, the smell from this person must have been strong. As he was covered with leprosy, I am going to imagine that his peripheral nerves were already damaged and perhaps there wasn’t much physical pain. But the emotional pain had to be significant as he had been ostracized from family and friends.
“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” How often have we found ourselves asking God, “if you are willing, you can make me clean?” I would say my petitions are strongest when I find myself in a state of humility, be it from a circumstance that was physical like an illness, or maybe emotional from work. It is in these states that I feel Jesus looking at me, extending his arm to touch my shoulder and saying, “I am willing.”
God appreciates the full worth of our souls. He sees our souls possess dignity and wants to love us unconditionally. God made us in God’s image, and God wants the best for us, helping us realize ourselves to the best of our potential. When I embrace these concepts and make them my own, I can then rest in peace knowing that I have guidance through Jesus’ teachings, and I have the energy that inspires me by the Holy Spirit to do what is right, with full freedom to follow and with no attachments, as I know the Holy Spirit is like the wind where I do not where it comes from or where it goes, but it is always right.
In being one with the Triune God, I can lower my guard as I accept my unworthiness, with all my faults and all my imperfections. I let God spread God’s wings to protect me and care for me. In this embrace with God, I can feel the love and peace settling in my heart as I close my eyes and just rest under God’s protection.
It is in this state of love, as I accept humbly my unworthiness, that I can then love “my neighbor” unconditionally. In this process of helping, as I try to be the best that I can be so that we can become One with God, I discover myself with all my qualities that God placed in my heart but also help you realize your potential by helping you see your own qualities. This state of being creates a harmony that we long to have because it is our nature to be one with God. Then, we can embrace in our full humanity and rest in God’s love and peace
References:
- https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+5%3A12-16&version=NIV
- New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton. New Directions Books, 2007. Copyright 1961 by the Abbey of Gethsemani, Inc.
Being One with God
I have been working on the concept of being one with God, feeling the freedom of the Holy Spirit so I can be more like Jesus while I let God the Father hold me and tell me, “You are my beloved son.” By feeling this love, I can then pass on this love to others.
Recently, in prayer group, we read Chapter 9 “We Are One Man” from Thomas Merton’s New Seeds of Contemplation. He stresses the importance of being there for each other and “empty himself and give himself to other people in the purity of a selfless love.”
A central theme in this chapter is being one with God and he concludes, “Our joy and our life are destined to be nothing but a participation in the Life that is Theirs. In Them (the Holy Trinity) we will one day live entirely in God and in one another as the Persons of God live in One another.”
As I meditated on this reading, I found myself thinking back to Chapter 17 in my book, Finding God Again and Again, and I thought I would share an excerpt of that chapter with you.
It was October 2012 and I had just discovered I had a monoclonal protein that was suggesting the possibility of multiple myeloma. As if having had a testicular cancer in the past was not enough, I found myself wondering about death and dying as I contemplated a new cancer diagnosis. My wife was attending an educational conference at a resort in upper Michigan, and I tagged along since I had some time off. This gave me an opportunity for much reading, meditation, and prayer.
“ … The next day after checking in and Anne went to her conference, I sat on the deck by the family room, overlooking the 18th hole and listening to Native American flute music from my iPhone. The gentle wind blew through the leaves and the breeze turned cool later in the afternoon. I soon had to wear my sweatshirt despite the clear, sunny skies. It was late August in upper Michigan, and it felt like the fall season was upon us. My gaze became fixed on the trees, and I appreciated the mixture of shaded and bright green leaves. The wind blew them in undulating waves as if they sang a song of comfort to my heart, and soon I found myself in deep communion with God.
I began to praise God for being such a good Father, for taking such good care of us. I felt our blessed mother and St. Joseph being there with me. I thanked them for being there with me. I prayed to St. Francis to help me be a good servant. All I wanted to do was to take good care of children, help them get better, be a good father and a good husband. I felt joy to be a servant for God, all for God’s glory. I prayed for my grandparents who had passed. I could feel Grandma Murphy being there with me. I also prayed for my father-in-law, for my uncles, aunts, and cousins, and for patients who had also passed away. I prayed for our friend Annette and her dad, I prayed for their peace and for their communion with God.
Very slowly, my mind began to shut down. I became engulfed in the rhythm of the leaves moving back and forth. I then became thoughtless. I was just being, just resting in God… and then this joy, peace and love overcame me. I felt like a poem wanted to burst out of me:
Your arms engulf me,
Your touch is delicate.
Not by the fire that purifies my soul,
But by your warmth, Father,
I realize you are here to console me.
My heart is at peace,
Weightless and without care,
For there are no regrets from yesterday,
Nor worries about tomorrow,
But simply joy in being here with you,
Joy to be here with my brothers and sisters.
As I rest in You
I feel complete.
I am in You,
And You are in me.
As I rested in God’s arms, I felt like Jesus was with me doing his high priestly prayer to God the Father (John 17: 1-26). In the middle of his prayer, I heard Jesus saying,
“… And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one. I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me …”
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit of love all in one as we rested together.
I just rested in God’s arms for some time, feeling love and peace, and not aware of time passing by. But then my mind wanted to get busy:
“Why are you treating me this way? Why are you doing this to me?” I asked God. I felt overwhelmed by this feeling. I was engulfed in this love and wanted to wiggle out.
“I don’t deserve to be treated this way, Lord. I am a sinner with much fault, and You are loving me beyond my understanding.” I did not know how to act. I wanted to move, I wanted my mind to become active, but I felt God tell me to just rest. “Don’t let your mind get busy,” is how I felt. And so, I rested in God again. I let go of my impulse to move away and went back to letting God hold me.”
It is a challenge to give when we are busy with our lives. All the responsibilities from work, home and our children’s extracurricular activities can suck the energy out of us and it feels like we have nothing left. I have found that being mindful in the moment, seeing God in all things and in all people, has helped me take on these challenges and not feel so anxious and exasperated. The pace of life might seem fast, but inside in my heart, I feel peace as I try to see each person as God’s son or daughter just trying to do the best they can and seeing how I can fit in to make their lives easier. We are simply messengers of God, trying to help each other develop in God’s eyes.
References
- New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. New Directions Books, 2007. Copyright 1961 by the Abbey of Gethsemani, Inc.
Matthew Lloyd
Loved it! 😍
This is an excellent spiritual memoir of someone’s faith journey toward the God of Christianity.
While I would no doubt have issues with someone getting all of their theology from someone’s memoir and journal, I do believe it is helpful for us to consider how we find ourselves in similar situations. I have not had a similar experience with reoccurring cancer like John, but I have had my fair share of religious experiences throughout the years.
John’s writing is captivating and is hard to put down. I sincerely mean that. I had an easy time not only reading these words but digesting them as well. He writes in a way that will keep you turning page after page, and you will find it hard to put this book down. I suppose the one thing that I could complain about is I would have doubled the number of chapters and space everything out a little bit more. It may make it easier for some folks to read that way, but like I mentioned, it is not one that I wanted to put down so I do not think that the number of chapters is something that must be changed to enjoy the book.
While the book spans about two decades of time, the timeline stays fairly well coherent. I am sure that there are some details that have been left out but overall, I feel like I know the story of John Spitzer well enough that I could have a conversation with him about both the health issues that he has faced as well as his faith journey towards knowing God. You can tell from the very outset that there is a culmination building and I am thankful that there is a joyful ending to the work.
You should pick up a copy of this memoir and give it a read. I believe you will find it not only interesting but stirring something in your soul. If you pick it up for no other reason, pick it up because the author quotes Star Wars amongst a book about Jesus.
Book Review by Matthew Lloyd
Reedsy Discovery
Victoria Cessna
Finding God Again and Again by John J. Spitzer, M.D. (Archway Publishing, 2021)
John Spitzer’s deeply personal spiritual memoir, more than 20 years in the making, takes the reader through his early life as a medical student and his three cancer battles and how they sent him in search of God. Raised in the Catholic faith, John regularly prayed and attended Mass; however, it was in confronting his own mortality that he yearned to be closer to God, but he didn’t know how.
His search for God leads him on a path filled with daily prayer, spiritual direction and reading about the lives of the saints. John doesn’t shy away from acknowledging his own spiritual frustrations and most readers will see themselves mirrored in his struggles. Whether wrestling with professional challenges, waning soccer skills or energetic English Setter puppies, John strives to find God in all moments, people and experiences.
“It’s hard to know sometimes how God direct us in life,” writes John. “We often feel like we want to be in control of our lives, and this desire can permeate our prayer lives. We may even get used to a routine and become comfortable with it. It may be difficult to contemplate change, especially if we are not sensitive to what our hearts are telling us – that we need a change. But if we trust God and ask for guidance in this change, then God, in God’s own time, will grant us that favor. And usually, this change moves us closer to God. We just have to be patient and allow God to take control of the wheel.”
In “Finding God Again and Again” John provides an honest account of how elusive God can feel at times but how rewarding it is when we go searching for him in earnest. Readers will gain insight on how to begin their own search as well as inspiration from John’s journey.
Victoria Cessna
Editor-in-Chief, Southwest Michigan Catholic
Executive Director of Communications and Public Affairs
Diocese of Kalamazoo
Marcella Clancy, CSJ
This book could have many titles: The Story of Soul, The Seven Story Mountain, The Confessions of St. Augustine, The Dark Night of the Soul or The Interior Castle. What it shares in common with these books is the sacred story of an individual in search of God. How it differs makes it exquisitely relevant for today. It is not written by a priest, a religious but by a husband, a father, a pediatrician, a person whose life is filled, like most of us, with family and work responsibilities and concerns.
John initiated his writing when, in 1998, he had a relapse of testicular cancer. He, with his wife, Anne, had two young children aged 5 and 2. Death was a real possibility and John wanted to leave his children some knowledge of his life. John did not die but was encouraged to continue writing by a wise spiritual director both as a means of self-discovery and deepening his relationship with God. The reader journals with John over 20 years as he struggles to find God, to follow God’s will, to overcome his faults and flaws, and to integrate into his interior life with God his exterior life of recurring illness, keen disappointments, and the constant demands of family and professional responsibilities. John’s transparency and honesty in relating his pilgrimage to God with its stumbles and falls, warm experiences of God’s love, and continual ups and downs, twists and turns will provide encouragement to anyone who is also on this same journey. John’s journey underscores how one’s movement toward God is never a straight ascent to the heights.
Some of the most significant aspects of the book describe John’s growth in prayer beginning with oral prayers, to more meditative and then contemplative prayer, from 5 minutes of prayer to 15 minutes to an hour to wanting to pray always, yet at times wanting not to pray at all. He identifies resources that have helped him on his prayer journey that also may assist the reader. In Part 2 of the book, John touchingly describes incidents when his prayer with Scripture allowed Jesus to intimately communicate with him. In Ignatian spirituality it is described as “putting oneself in the scene” and John’s retelling of his Scriptural prayer reveals how the Word of God uniquely touches each of us in our particular circumstance and enables us to discover a compassionate God near and caring for us no matter where we find ourselves.
Several times John relates profound moments when “God’s love flows through him” and it may make those who long for such moments envious. Yet, God, as John emphasizes, desires each of us to experience our self as a beloved son or daughter. However, anyone who has attempted to make this journey can testify these moments do not last. We descend from the mountain and find ourselves again seeming distant from God, caught in our own vices, and feeling discouraged. What we learn from John’s writing is that it is always God who takes the initiative and can surprise us at any time. It does not depend on us or what we do.
Having had the privilege of accompanying many others on their own spiritual journey, as I read this book, I often wanted to suggest to John that he foster more compassion toward himself, be kinder and gentler and less condemnatory. Though John acknowledges that any good he may do is always a gift of God at times he is tempted, like all on this journey, to think if he were better, humbler, more dependent on God he could feel God’s love flowing thought him more constantly. Yet the truth is God often seems absent in the holiest of lives. The great spiritual writers tell us that God is never absent but just gone deeper and draws us to travel to that deeper place and abide in Divine Love ever more profoundly. Certainly, John’s writing is a witness to this.
I loved reading this book. It details in the context of an ordinary man’s life, the extraordinary presence and intimate Love of God found, lost, and found again and again. From John’s perspective it is he finding God. From God’s perspective it is the Good Shepherd determined to find the lost sheep over and over again and holding him close to God’s Heart carry him home. Anyone who desires to begin the journey of finding God or who is already on the journey of finding and losing and finding again will find hope, courage, and encouragement to persevere. This book underscores the intimate love of God for each of us and God’s great desire to communicate that love to everyone, absolutely no exceptions.
Submitted by Marcella Clancy, CSJ
Congregation of the Sisters of Saint Joseph
Mindfulness in Adolescents
This is the third part on the topic of Mindfulness after talking about it in infants and in children. See archived issues in September and October respectively, at https://www.johnspitzermd.com/category/pediatric-corner/
Although apps can be useful to teens when they are trying to learn about mindfulness and the techniques to practice mindfulness (Headspace, Calm, Insight Meditation Timer, Smiling Mind, and Stop, Breathe and Think), teens learn best by practicing mindfulness in the moment and as they are relating to others. The daily practice involves being in the moment with friends, family, in a relationship, or in sports competition. At the heart of the activity is the ability to be present in the moment, listen with an open mind, and speak back with kindness, understanding and honesty.
When we begin to practice mindfulness, we become in tune with our bodies: we learn to pair our emotions with how our body feels. During moments of stress, for example, we learn what parts of our body tend to tense up. As we learn to recognize what is going on with our body in a particular moment and practice mindfulness, we learn to control our emotions. From here, we begin to improve our relationships as we learn to listen to others. Interestingly enough, we release dopamine (the “feel-good neurotransmitter”) when we show compassion and kindness to others.
Part of mindfulness involves being in the moment without passing judgment. This frees us from any distractions while we try to absorb the outside and feel what we have in the inside. This allows us to see ourselves as we are, with all our positives and even accepting all our negatives. As we accept ourselves as we are, we become more confident and begin to develop a more positive self-image. Studies have shown that teens who practice mindfulness have less problems with anxiety, depression and have more resilience. In addition, teens that meditate or practice mindfulness concentrate better at school and perform better during the exams.
We can begin this concept of mindfulness at home during dinnertime. The conversation can go in many directions, including some joyful and laughing moments while at other times there may be some stress and tension. In either situation, being able to listen with an open heart and mind while making sure we understand and empathize what the other is saying is key to avoiding raising voices and beginning an argument. We can minimize distractions by putting our phones down and beginning the meal with a moment of silence to be grateful for being together and sharing each other’s company. For some families, this may take the form of a prayer.
It is important that teens understand why this is important. I found Sara Raymond’s YouTube video from the Mindful Movement a good introduction to mindfulness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psyExnCkcXU
I also found an easy read for teens the book by pediatrician Dzung X. Vo, MD: The Mindful Teen.
Let’s empower our teens to be free and resilient!
Humility and Faith
The themes of pride and humility pop up in my life frequently. It seems to me that this is one the major things I’m supposed to work out in my life here on earth. Once more, I come face to face with these topics this week. I have been re-reading Thomas Merton’s New Seeds of Contemplation1, thinking about and contemplating Chapter 7.
Talking about Union and Division in this chapter, Thomas Merton is weaving in the themes of pride and humility. He spends a good deal of time in this chapter talking about how man chooses to do things on his own and not work with others as he senses competition with others, and compares himself with others to see if he is better or not.
As I contemplate this chapter, I find myself in Galilee following Jesus and his teachings. He has gone up to the mountain sides and has had the sermon of the mount in Matthew 5. In Matthew 6, Jesus talks about giving to the needy, praying the Our Father, fasting and appearances, and not to have anxiety about clothing and food. In Matthew 7, he talks about not judging others, the narrow gate, true and false prophets and disciples. And then Jesus comes down from the mountain side and heads back into Capernaum (Matthew 8)
Capernaum was a fishing village established during the time of the Hasmoneans, located on the northern shore of the Sea of Galilee. The Hasmoneans were a dynasty of Jewish kings that fought to liberate Judea from Seleucid rule and created an independent state. The family’s name was apparently derived from an unknown ancestor named Ḥashmonay. Capernaum had a population of about 15002. We now come to the passage on Matthew 8:5 where Jesus heals the centurion’s servant.
The Faith of the Centurion (Matthew 8:5-13)3
5 When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6 “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”
7 Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?”
8 The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9 For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”
10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11 I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
13 Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.
In the Roman world, the centurion had a very important position. He was an officer in the Roman army whose experience and valor were crucial in maintaining order on the battlefield and ensuring that the Roman’s empire military successes continued over time. A centurion commanded a unit of around 100 soldiers but was also responsible for administrative duties, such as assigning duties and giving out punishments. Centurions had the ability to advance in administrative responsibilities, but the name centurion would be remembered for the veteran who led by the courageous example on the battlefield.4
In the words of Polybius5 (a Greek historian of the Hellenistic period, noted for his work The Histories, which covered the period of 264–146 BC and wrote on the rise of Rome to prominence), “the centurion must not be a venturesome seeker after danger but as men who can command, steady in action, and reliable; they ought not to be over-anxious to rush into fight, but when hard-pressed, they must be ready to hold their ground, and die at their posts.”
With such a prominence in the Roman world, the story is about this very important person being humble before Jesus. This sits in contrast to the points that Thomas Merton makes in his chapter: man not wanting to be in union with other men finds himself in a state of division, wanting to be separate and distinct. Afraid to be challenged by others and be in a world that is forever becoming more competitive, man wants to go at it alone. This division is fueled by spiritual pride, and “is most dangerous when it succeeds in looking like humility. When a proud man thinks he is humble, his case is hopeless.”
So Thomas Merton asks us to set our pride aside, come together in union with other people which will become a means for finding ourselves: “I must look for my identity, somehow, not only in God, but in other men. I will never be able to find myself if I isolate myself from the rest of mankind as if I were a different kind of being.”
Coming together as children of God, acknowledging that we are one with Jesus and accepting in the bottom of our heart that we are made for each other, helps us discover ourselves as we are made of the same fabric: made from the Spirit of God. Keeping this faith helps bind us together.
As Pope Benedict XVI explains in Benedictus, Day by Day6: “… God is no longer the distant and indeterminate God to whom no bridge will reach, he is the God at hand. The body of the Son is the bridge for our souls. Through him, each single person’s relationship with God has been blended together in his one relationship with God so that turning one’s gaze toward God is no longer a matter of turning one’s gaze away from others and from the world but in uniting of our gaze and of our being in the single gaze and of the one being of the Son … [the Kingdom of God] will be complete when the son hands to the father his kingdom, that is, in-gathered humanity and the creation that is carried with them. That is why the purely private existence isolated self no longer exists but all that is mine is yours.”
As I celebrate Advent and move closer to Christmas Day, I pray for our humanity that we can set pride aside, find humility in the bottom of our hearts and come together as brothers and sisters, children of God and sharers of the one and same Holy Spirit!
References
- New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton, New Directions Books, 2007 Edition.
- https://www.bibleplaces.com/capernaum/
- https://www.biblegateway.com/ and New International Version (NIV).
- https://www.worldhistory.org/Centurion/
- https://www.britannica.com/biography/Polybius
- Benedictus, Day by Day, Pope Benedictus XVI, Magnificat & Ignatius Press, October 2006.
Thanksgiving for Picky Eaters
Thanksgiving can be a fun time for family get-togethers. However, sometimes life can be challenging when trying to prepare a meal plan for your picky eater.
Here are some tips to improve your chances that your child will have a good meal experience:
Engage your child in meal planning. Some pointed questions like, “what veggie would you like with your dinner?” “What do you think about a fruit with your meal?” “What do you think about eating turkey for dinner?” can empower them to help us with the menu, especially if we look up together some recipes. Then, they are more likely to look forward to the event and eat a balanced meal. Here are some samples of food groups from the American Academy of Pediatrics https://www.healthychildren.org
Use food bridges or like foods to expand their repertoire of healthy foods. For Example, if he likes mashed potatoes, try sweet potatoes.
Choose at least one food you know your child will like. In that way, she is guaranteed to eat something nutritious at meal time.
Make it look, smell, and taste delicious. What do you think about becoming an artist for thanksgiving? Enhance the look and smell of a dish with special ingredients (for example cinnamon on cooked apples or nutmeg on peaches.
Keep the mealtime relaxing and enjoyable. After all, this is time for family and friends to come together, feel thankful and enjoy each other’s company.
To learn more about fussy eaters, follow this link:
References:
Types of Prayer
There are times when I feel swept up by a passage in the bible, and I then place myself in the bible scene in the form of Ignatian spirituality and prayer.
It was the end of February and the winter in Michigan was growing long. Snow blowing and shoveling snow on a regular basis, sometimes early in the morning around 5 am and then again in the evening, was making me physically tired. Work was demanding and taking care of 2-month-old puppies had become stressful. Having little time to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually was becoming a challenge. I was craving me-time and it was not happening. I had been praying to God, seeking peace, and asking for strength to help me get through the days, but I could tell that God was letting me stay in this state until I could figure it out, but it just wasn’t happening.
Then one morning around 5:15 am I woke up to Henry’s whining, our boy dog. All was dark in the house, and I made my way down the stairs to get their collars, grumbling in my heart on why I had to do this and lamenting that I could not sleep longer. As I knelt to Henry’s crate and opened the door, he pushed through and into my chest as I put his collar around him, wagging his tail and licking me. I then found myself near Tyre and Sidon in the middle of the day, the sun was bearing down on the dirt roads, people were staying in the shade either by trees or by their houses, and the chickens were picking at the ground looking for food. Jesus and his disciples had withdrawn to this area after rebuking the Pharisees for clinging to their traditions and elevating these above mercy and love. Confrontations were becoming more frequent for Jesus but the time for his crucifixion was not to take place yet, so he needed to withdraw from Israel to this Gentile land.
Tyre and Sidon were 2 Phoenician cities along the coast of the Mediterranean and still present today in modern day Lebanon; Tyre was about 20 miles south of Sidon and about 12 miles from the current-day Israel and Lebanon border. This area was known as the land of Canaan and was dominant up to the years 1250c – 1150 c. BC1 when it is believed a major catastrophe took place, possibly military, that resulted in the dissolution of their land and culture. The bible has this time in history as the invasion by Hebrew General Joshua and the Israelites2. Tyre and Sidon prospered because of their seaports and trade centers. The Canaanites were polytheistic and were considered corrupt and pagan by Israel standards, a threat to Israel’s monotheistic religion and relationship with God. With time, the Canaanites military weakened and became inferior to the Israelites. With this backdrop, I saw the Canaanite woman approach Jesus, crying out to Him, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.” (Matthew 15:21-28). Mark also recounts this story and places Jesus in a house that he had chosen to have his disciples rest (Mark 7:24-30). The woman is well aware of the rivalry between the Jewish and the Canaanites, and acknowledges Jesus’ superior standing as a Jew, but also is willing to acknowledge him as the Messiah since she called him the “Son of David.” Jesus does not address her initially, and only after the disciples urge Him to send her away, he replies, “I was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel.”
The woman, after initially crying out to Jesus for mercy, knelt near Jesus and said, “Lord, help me!” He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”
But in her inferiority and humility, she had acquiesced to the role of a dog while acknowledging Jesus as her master. “Yes, Lord” she said, “but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.” Because of her faith, Jesus healed her daughter.
While I was holding Henry in my chest and then proceeded to get Margaret’s collar on (our girl dog), I acknowledged that the winter had become long and difficult. It had become difficult trying to be loving and charitable on my own terms, forcing this desire while at the same time having the desire to have my own “me time.” I acknowledged that I had not let God in to help me with this dilemma because I wanted to do it in my own terms. The load became heavy enough that I finally found myself praying to God, “Lord, have mercy on me, I am one the dogs right now and I could eat whatever crumb you let fall from your table.”
At that moment, I felt like humility settled in and I was now ready to accept God’s healing. As we went down the sidewalk with snowbanks on either side, I contemplated the dark cloudless sky full of stars. I was in awe that the universe could be so big and so beautiful, and God had created this. In that silent walk I felt so engulfed by God. My heart felt warm even though it was cold at 15 degrees and steam was coming from my breath. As the dogs searched for a spot to potty on the snow, I continued to feel God in that beautiful sky, just letting myself drift into the vast space of the universe. Peace settled into my heart and for that moment, as Margaret and Henry locked their eyes on me and I looked at them, I experienced a deep sense of love from them, and in return, I felt love for them too. We stood looking at each other for what seemed to be minutes but were probably just a few seconds. No words were exchanged, just simply looks. The cold air began to seep through my coat, and we had to make it back into the house. It was an intense moment, a moment that I was able to bask in that morning but, interesting enough, I forgot the moment in its intensity once I got busy again with life’s routines and schedules.
As I went through March, I could remember the moment but could not reproduce its intensity like that morning in February. I longed for that moment of love and peace, but I could not reproduce it. It reminded me of Peter trying to build three tents for Jesus, Moses, and Elijah when Jesus underwent the transfiguration. The moment was so intense, so full of love and peace, that he wanted to keep it for himself by building those three tents while they were up in the mountain, but Jesus did not want him to freeze-frame it. As I thought of Peter, I came to realize that Jesus wanted me to understand that these experiences were eternal without a beginning or an end, and although I wanted to keep it for myself, my faculties would not allow me to remember the intensity of it. I have come to believe that this moment was an infusion of love by God.
This excerpt is taken from Chapter 19 of my recently published book, Finding God Again and Again. It highlights the style of prayer in Ignatian Spirituality as “placing oneself in the scene” as I pray in a passage of the bible and let the Word come to me with its message and healing. Placing myself in the scene, I use all my senses as I meditate on the passage: what I see, hear, feel and maybe even taste, if necessary. In this particular, winter story, the prayer happened spontaneously at 5:15 in the morning as I had read this bible story before and was able to recall the facts. But at that moment, I was ready spiritually to let the Word “come to me.” Sometimes I find myself trying to force prayer, even to the point of wanting my will to supersede God’s will. It is only in humility and with patience that I can let God come into my heart.
Depending on the busyness of my day, I go from mental prayer (perhaps saying a few petitions or reciting some prayers) to meditative prayer (as above) to contemplative prayer, where I let God and the Holy Spirit take me where it wills, and as Jesus says, “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” (John 3:8)
Lately, I have been reading about Thomas Keating and Centering Prayer. This style of prayer has a monastic Christian love mysticism where I let God into my heart while I turn off my mind. You could say that this is another form of contemplative prayer, and the key part is learning how to turn off the mind. Certainly, a challenge for me but I continue to work on this.
I originally posted this article as a guest writer in Dr. Matthew Welsh’s website, https://www.spiritualmediablog.com/
Resources
- Byers, Gary. The Biblical Cities of Tyre and Sidon, Associates for Biblical Research, created January 26, 2010. Retrieved from https://www.biblearcheology.org
- Mark, Joshua. Ancient History Encyclopedia, last modified October 23, 2018. Retrieved from http://www.ancient.eu/canaan/
